Energy moving

As the days have passed since the unusual launch into my 60’s, I have been recovering by walking each day barefoot on the grass…

Four days ago my body was ready to run, and since then each day, Anadi and I have jogged barefoot around the fields and parkland here in north London…

Yesterday morning, I was feeling so much stronger – enjoying the wonderful freedom running barefoot brings me…

The feel of the slightly damp grass beneath my feet was exquisite – suddenly running towards us was a man, also without any shoes, his dog loping along beside him… ‘Barefoot people…’ he exclaimed delightededly as we crossed paths…

Anadi and I ran 11k with ease, and it seemed that it might not be long before I could start to properly train again…

However today was a different story…

I woke up at 2.30am this morning and my body started to vibrate from head to toe, energy was rushing all through it, down my legs and both arms… It felt very strange, and because of collapsing completely just two weeks ago, at first I had to concentrate with more focus on my breath – so as to clear any arising fear…

I woke Anadi and told him my body was doing something funny again, and that I didn’t much like it!

I asked him to put his hands on me to help calm it down, and I breathed into the strange electric sensations – which were if anything increasing in intensity…

‘What do you think is happening?’ – I asked him… ‘Its a shift in energy’, he said… ‘Likely to be a kundalini opening…’

‘Can we chant?’ I asked… And so we chanted over and over ‘nam myoho renge kyo’ – over and over – our voices vibrated together and my body continued to be electric… But any distress in me left completely…

‘I would like to know what is going on’… I said, as the sensations eventually started to calm down… ‘It’s a process of course…’ Anadi replied – ‘and it is likely the effect of you clearing so much, that your vibration is changing…’

‘So within, so without…’

As we clear energy from the past, heal wounds, change patterns, and free ourselves from any blocks within us – then of course the effects of these inner shifts will show themselves in the outer realms…

Often this occurs, simply by our lives changing – different events occurring, new people coming in, some people going… But of course, the inner shifts can also show as energy changing within the body, as it adjusts to the new vibration…

After about an hour, everything settled, and we went to sleep…

Today I woke up feeling well, but very fragile..

We had planned to run to Trent park and and run about there… But my body was too weak to run and so instead we journeyed in slower fashion, walking and talking – and swinging through the trees – enjoying the beautiful warm verdant May day…

If there was any part of me holding on to the misguided concept that there is any certainty in this life, then this is well and truly being erased 🙂

I am enjoying simply listening to the ideas and direction that are bubbling up from within, and allowing the process and the journey back to the running step and to where I am going in my life – to unfold…

Things of the spirit happen in their own time, there is no rush… We cannot force a flower to open, or the dawn to break and so we cannot rush our own evolution…

I am immortal after all!

When my brother called me on my 60th birthday to wish me a happy day, only to discover that I was in hospital having collapsed on the bathroom floor at 6.30am with a suspected TIA ( mini stroke Transient Ischemic Attack) – he was shocked and upset…

‘But we all think of you as immortal’ he said…

It happened almost two weeks ago now, I am still not feeling 100 percent physically, although much much better. I have walked on the grass barefoot each day, and today I jogged around, enjoying the feeling through my soles of my soul in motion once again.

Throughout my life, I have often felt that I came here to run and to discover the essence of who I am in the running step – or in the case of my birthday – in the not run step…

Seeing the transitory ness of this journey… Being beyond this paradigm, was different to anything I have ever experienced, even in the most clear meditative state of living…

One minute we are alive and the next we are dead…

So while we are alive, it is important to learn, moment by moment to free ourselves from fear – and so fully live…

In recent years the attachment to my running has lessened, and with that has come increased enjoyment… In the last six months I have been training to run fast – as I have done throughout my life – but with the sense of fun I experienced as a little girl, when I would insistently ask my Dad that he come to the playing fields with me – so that he could ‘time me Daddy, time me…’ From the swings all the way speeding over the grass to the slide…

But it seems that I truly had a re birth day on May 12th 2019 – a new beginning.

Because every single test I have had is above normal healthy, from cholesterol (4 – more cake for me!!) BP (112/70) to my heart and my head, my liver and kidneys, my vagina and cervix – and all my bloods, my urine, every single test show health – not even a sign of a virus…

A mystery! It seems I am immortal after all… 🙂

I asked the doctor what happened… ‘I don’t know, body’s can do funny things, I don’t know…’

I am left with greater clarity, although I can’t put it into words… I am also left still feeling exhausted…

Anadi assures me, however, that if I were to have taken the spiritual investigation drug Ayahuaska – to explore, what my body dropped me into, without any prompt – that the experience of that drug can take some weeks to recover from…

I had been thinking about stopping nomading, staying put in one place… But since my birthday – I have clarity that I will continue moving, travelling light, staying in the step and seeing where the next one takes me…

I have been prompted to blogs again…

And to vlog…

And so it is…

Any illusion we have of certainty is but an illusion, the only safety and certainty there is, exists in the unchanging essence of our truest self…

Re-birth Day

I slithered to the floor of the bathroom and was immediately aware of zooming out of my body at great velocity, speeding down a long tunnel which I never got to the end of…

I heard Anadi calling to me, ‘Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful’ – ‘I’m here’ I replied, ‘ I’ve been somewhere else’… Later Anadi reminded me that I had then said ‘It would be very symetrical to die on my birthday…’

It was May 12th 2019, my 60th birthday.

I had woken at 6.30am needing to go to the loo, on sitting up the world span, ‘Wooah’ I thought, and made my way rather haphazardly to the bathroom and back… On lying down in bed, the spinning in my head increased wildly and I felt extrememly nauseous, “something very not right is going on with my body’ I said to Anadi…

I felt I might actually be sick, which is how we came to be in the bathroom, me on the floor, with Anadi witnessing me ‘leave the building’… He said my eyes were open, but I wasn’t there, my breathing was ‘odd’ and I was pouring sweat..

He called for an ambulance…

Emily and Michael the paramedics who arrived were wonderful, reassuring and patient… It took an hour for them to be able to move me off the floor onto a stretcher…

This time last year, May 12th 2018, I was completing a 1075 kilometre journey across Spain – in my bare feet… I had arrived to sunny joy with my family and friends who either ran the last leg with me, or were waiting to cheer me in… And so I celebrated my 59th birthday arriving in Almuñécar in fabulously fun and festive style!

It took me many months to recover from the challenge, but by November last year I was starting to look up the road for a new adventure.

I have always enjoyed setting a goal, and my lifetime quest has been to aim really high, but then connect to the step and let go of any attachment to an outcome… To truly experience the Zen of running, where being a runner disappears and instead I become running…

Barefoot Across Spain‘ had leant itself to this experience hugely, the words of the Spanish poet Antonio Machado; ‘Walker there is no path, we make the path by walking it’ – had been my watchwords for the entire journey…

And so by November, I decided I would challenge myself in an entirely different way… I wanted to see how swift I could become ‘for my age’… I discovered there was a big 5 kilometre race happening on my birthday actual, at Gatwick! It couldn’t be more perfect…

I applied myself to my training and my 5K time started to improve, the speed in my legs gradually returning…

A month before the Gatwick race, I was in Majorca with Malcolm and some Running Crazy runners, including Katie and Tony who had run some of my epic journey across Spain with me… I raced a 5K around the streets of Pollensa in glorious Spanish sun and achieved a time of 21.23.

This ranked me 8th fastest 55 – 59 year old at the time this year in the UK , and would have made me the 2nd fastest 60 year old ( had I been 60!)…

All was looking good…

I had thrown a 60th birthday party too, a fabulously fun affair, which I had chosen to have on the Friday night to allow some recovery time. I had danced the night away, but I don’t really drink, so it doesn’t come into any equation with party recovery for me…

I shared an expresso martini at the end of the evening with my friend Jane who had decorated Urban Ground Coffee shop where I held my fiesta! She has a similar head for alcohol, so sharing one drink for an evening just about does it for us!

On Saturday night, I jokingly said to Anadi that perhaps I wasn’t the most rested I had ever been for a race, but I was feeling good and went to bed feeling ready to run…

As I lay in the ambulance, looking at the blue sky through the window in the roof, I had to clear a slight feeling of diappointment – and then I let go of the race and embraced the birthday I was actually having.

Being where I am, with whatever is happening, being fully present is my lifetime, daily practise.

Of course to do this, we must be present to every feeling that courses through our being… When Emily, the paramedic, had shown confusion at my ECG, I had to clear some fear and prepare myself for possible death – as it happens subsequent tests have shown my heart to be super duper top level healthy…

But we are all living uncertain lives… My practise has been to become safe within myself, with the truth that nothing is certain, as was graphically demonstarted to me on my 60th birthday.

If we are truly where we are, even within sadness, difficulty , disappointment, then we are fully alive.

This is our life here and now, whatever is happening… It is important not to let the mind create stories…

I had a wonderful birthday, a different birthday to the one I had ‘planned’ – but a wonderful one never the less… I didn’t ‘think’ thoughts or stories, like ‘I’ve spent 6 months training for this race, it’s not fair, this is my birthday…’

And any fearful thoughts were fleeting…

I stayed with what was, which was quite a wibbly wobbly unsteady world for some time! Of course, I told the entire staff in Redhill hospital that it was my birthday! And a nurse called Matt brought me a delicious birthday cup cake…

I had many many medical tests, but I was with Anadi, and we were having a lovely time together, and I was receiving birthday wishes and love from many friends and family… For a while I had still thought that I might be off and out of hospital, so that we could make it for my birthday lunch booked at The Dalloway in Russel Square…

This was not to be…!

They discovered a shadow on one of the scans for my brain, which they thought might be a TIA, (Transient Ischemic Attack – mini stroke) and so I was properly admitted to hospital… When they gave me this news, I had a brief feeling of tearfulness, but it passed quickly…

I was wheeled to the ward where my birthday lunch of a baked potato and baked beans soon arrived; followed by a pair of green pyjamas – and I became an official patient!

I was there two days – our plane to Spain flew off without us – and then discharged because the doctor could not believe I had had a TIA… All my co ordination tests and balance tests – once I had stopped being so dizzy and wobbly – I had ‘passed’ with flying colours… She therefore suspected an inner ear virus causing a vertigo attack, but because of the scan showing ‘something’ (which she reassured me could simply be a ‘dodgy photo’) , she booked me in for a further MRI to fully clear up any doubt…

I spent 45 minutes yesterday in an MRI ‘tube’… I do not particularly like being in an enclosed space! I was instructed to lie completely still…

This was a time to truly practise vipasanna breathing meditation…

‘Well done’, the nurse said as she lifted the helmet off my face, and the heavy ‘thing’ off my body… ‘How was your first MRI experience…?

‘I don’t really like being in enclosed spaces’ I replied – ”So I closed my eyes and watched my breath…’

I will have my results next week…