In the beginning…

Caminante, no hay camino; Se hace el camino al andar.

The soles of my feet are bare and within these pages I will bare my soul  … I am going to endeavour to write this as if I have no readers; as my unfolding steps reveal my path, my writing will record it, a memoir as to where they lead me.

Three days ago I was running in the mountains alone for four hours when it arose within me that I would start to write again; I stopped two months ago; my blog ended its run abruptly – from one day to the next… On finding my days in England full of Christmas commitments, I let go of the daily discipline… And I haven’t written since.

But as I ran silently and alone in the Alpujarra mountains, the urge to write rose again… But this time, without any intention of sharing; no social media tweets, or linkedin or facebook announcements that I had once again written something down…

My idea at first was to go right back to the very beginning, when each night I wrote in longhand in a journal… I started this practise at just twelve years old and I wrote each day, until at twenty one, I reflected on the entries of my late teenage years and now just starting out on a new decade – I decided that the daily inscriptions were too full of sadness and darkness… Too full of the unresolved pain; too full of despair that I would every emerge from the confusion of my turmoil.

My writings communicated the fear that my only release from my tortured mind, would be to die; perhaps then I would find peace – but no sooner had I thought this thought, than I was immediately tormented further with the absolute knowing that the body dead was of no gain…

For I knew that the agony would remain unresolved, and there would still be the need to investigate and find a way to release myself from the tight stranglehold of the deep existential misery, that I was experiencing…

And so I stopped keeping my journal – the entries too ‘oscuro’ and sad to continue with…  I threw away the big pile of books, charting my thoughts and feelings, my daily routines over nine long adolescent years.

And as I ran in the mountains this week, I thought to simply go back to the very beginning, to write longhand again in a journal each night…

But then I moved from that thought to one of typing my stream of consciousness onto a document and gathering the pieces of work together in a virtual folder…

And then I had this idea…

To record my writing here on my Soles Journey; but to not make the process a public one. To trust that if anyone finds my entries and enjoys reading, they will simply be a reflection of my own souls journey…

Going running…

As I ran up the hill, with wet leafy trees heavily drooping over onto the wet shiny, bumpy, uneven Dorset lane – I reflected on my life and how all I have ever really wanted to do is go running…

I love it, quite simply love it… I always have – and I love it even more now it doesn’t hurt…!

Much of my running career has been fraught with pain and stiffness and working out the hold ups, the stuck areas… Being conscious of the wisdom to always run with the slowest part of the body, and then not doing that at all… So it broke!

My Dad’s  engineering words echoing in my head… ‘The chain always breaks at the weakest link darling…’

I remember feelings of envy listening one day to an interview with a musician who had been a musician all his days, and he was still creating, making music, expressing his soul through his art; sharing his journey with us…

Stirring my soul

I recognised always that it was important to discover a way to ‘play my tune’, to ‘make my art’, to live my running step out day after day; to clear any feelings of envy and instead live fully my own truth…

Of course, I have always run; but at times it has needed to be ‘fitted in’ early or late and been squeezed out, so that it became an ‘also ran’ in my life rather than a main player.

There too, has been much of my life when running hurt; so although it was my heart’s calling – actually doing it didn’t feel good at all… A real juxtaposition… and then there were times that I feared I was destroying my body – and I did not wish to be ‘crocked’ as the years went by…

But the running step calls me always, as if it were what I have been born to do… The simple act of putting one foot in front of another, as most of us did when we were children, racing about… running – a natural movement. and one that in the past meant that we survived, running to gather our food and run away from danger…

Running to learn was my ‘strap line’ for many years, as I have learnt to so much, cleared so much on the running road… I was also acutely aware at times when my running times were very fast, and people would clap and cheer and celebrate my steps, that they were celebrating something that wasn’t the true expression of my art, not a clear and truly happy one anyway.

There was much tension and ‘push’ back then… Muddled eating, overtraining, huge pressure on myself to achieve some chimera that could never been reached…

And yet I could have done anything different… It was what it was. It was where I was then…

And now the running step is lighter brighter, more fun, more free. My feet and me go out to play.

All that is required as we live this life, as we journey forth is that to our own selves we are true. If we do this then that is the biggest gift to the world. There is nothing else. There can be no good deeds or honourable works if they do not come from our truth. if we do things to be good, or to help or because we feel that is a better way to live in the world; then the energy is not as pure as if we live out our own truth… Any altruistic acts coming from us living our truth, will come from that clear energy…

If living my truth is playing on the hills of Dorset like I did today, in the rain and the wind, oh the joy! Then this is the route I must follow… We will always know deep in our soul the path we must take, and then all that springs from that will be true.

Osho said that the biggest contribution anyone can make to the world is to be conscious…

Consciousness springs from the silence within, the place of stillness beyond all the pull to wrong doing or right doing, good and evil – joy and sorrow – work and play…

Beyond these pulls on this plane is the place of silence, within us and all around us, and when we rest in this place; our actions will spring from consciousness…

And if going running is the what emerges, going running is the biggest contribution I can give… ? ?

Once we stand naked together…

Gatwick airport is our home for the morning… We came here early and I have four hours in one of my favourite venues… An airport!

I have always loved this inbetween world that I experience here and on a plane… As I journey onwards and inwards, I recognise that this reflects for me finding the fulcrum in the yin and the yang in this layer of human life that we think of as us, as real

Throughout my life, whenever I have seen and experienced the space between yin and yang, the place… ‘Before, behind, between, above, below…’ Then I have been better able to recognise the experience of life for what it is; a place for us to experience ourselves in a body through the wonder and horror of life on planet earth.

Increasingly I experience living in this space within myself.

It can be very easy to forget that this life is not ‘who we are’… That life here in this universe, is us experiencing ourselves – which is very different to the our life being who we are.

The words I quoted above are from John Donne’s poem, ‘To his mistress going to bed..’ As the title suggests, the poem requests she be naked with him… ‘Full nakedness! All joys are due to thee,  As souls unbodied, bodies uncloth’d must be…’

I loved reading Donne’s poetry as a teenager, and I still do… He speaks to me in his own explorations, of transparency, nakedness, freedom and an awareness at the soul level that our bodies are not us, in the same way that we are not our clothes…

Clothes and shoes or not shoes can be a wonderful way of experiencing different facets of ourselves, displaying our unique energies, colours, vibrations…

But underneath our clothes and adornments, we are all naked….

And once we stand naked together, we can start to experience that there is a space of complete stillness at a deeper level inside us, where we remember that we are all one.

We are all born of love in its truest form – consciousness… The experience in a body is to be wondered at and embraced as we experience ourselves; but it can be made even richer if we remember from whence we came.

Remember our unclothed, unbodied state…

As babies we likely do remember, the eyes of a newborn, a young toddler, with their unwavering gaze show a closer connection to spirit; but the experience here can quickly take a child away from this knowing, this memory.

And as life unfolds in all its multifaceted joyous light and utter devastating horror, it is not surprising that we would forget and become consumed by the tragedy or attached to the joy.

This experience can be so terribly sad and devastating and so sweet with delight that why wouldn’t we believe it to be real.

But our spirits know that we are eternal, our spirits know that beyond this human journey is freedom, truth and love… Which we can then experience here, whilst still in the body – the still point beyond the duality.

But we do forget…

And so we can live out a whole life by default, adhering to a script or structure imposed from the projections of others who have also forgotten…

I was thinking these thoughts as I walked on the springy soft grass in the park. My legs and feet were aching in the night from their adventure on the forest yesterday… And so today I walked to the park and stretched on the grass.

My legs and feet said… ‘Thank you Thank you…’

As I walked on the lovely turf, I reflected that my feet are another way for me to be experiencing yin and yang, the soft springy grass, bliss! Or stony rocky path, ouchie! Without becoming attached in any way to either…

But to relax within it all, to allow the unfolding from within, through my barefoot journey.

Yesterday I listened to the interview with Denny of DizRunsradio and I heard myself say that I am a runner first… But it doesn’t ring true anymore… Since that interview something has changed.

I wrote yesterday that I felt another layer of ‘letting go’ when I was running over the sandy, grassy trails and hills of Sussex beauty and I don’t feel that way today…

This journey seems to well and truly mean I have ‘let go’ of ‘being a runner’ at a very core level…

My feet are leading me on a new path and I have no idea where it is heading…!