Introduction to Barefoot to Buddha…

At the end of July 2016 I hurt my back… I experienced really deep sciatic pain that went on and on and on for about six weeks. It was a very big process because the pain was very, very deep – like nerve pain is, I couldn’t get any rest from it… As the days went by, the pain wore me down and suddenly I accessed deep down this feeling of despair, there was this flash within me that came up and said…’If I can’t run, then I might as well die…’ It was really helpful to me to find that sentence… It showed me that I still ‘defined’ myself by running, rather than ‘was’ running – and so it showed me that still, I was not free…

It just arose from the pain, within the pain of the jangling nerves, and in catching that thought that came out of the pain or rather that feeling… I was aware that there were still binds tying me that meant my running wasn’t a clear expression of my soul.

It wasn’t my artistic expression dancing around the planet. It wasn’t my spirit in motion. It meant that my running was still emerging from some unresolved ‘stuff’, from tension, from some place where I still needed to prove myself – or to run for someone else – or to run away even – from pain and a vestige still of self hatred.

I recognise that the whole of my life, my running journey has been a journey of discovery, a journey of finding out, a journey of clearing so that my spirit could dance free… Because when I came first onto the planet; when I was first born, I did run free!

The moment I could walk, I ran…

I ran around like the wind and I raced around as free as a bird in my little bare feet… And it was only over the years that the tension and the pain and the need to run to prove, the need to run fast to earn love, to gain recognition blocked the path of true expression.

And so my life became a journey to set free the expression off my spirit – and I recognised that the tensions, and the processes, and the events of my life, arose as part of my unique energetic makeup, which for sure I had created over lifetimes, for lifetimes and lifetimes… Working it out, living it out, working it out – in order to clear the way for silence and freedom.

And so during July 2016 when this pain was with deep within me – and the whole way through August too, I was able to reflect that even though I was now fifty seven years old, and although I had been working to clear this pain for forty years; another layer was peeling away, getting me closer to the centre, like peeling the skin of an onion…

I believe it was when I was seventeen years old that I first recognized that my running steps had started to become ‘locked in’ – and it was at the same time almost exactly that I started see this and begin immediately to unravel and work to unlock the pain… At the same time, I read the book Jonathan Livingston Seagull… A phrase in the book that struck a chord in me was the one where Jonathan is saying that…

‘Your whole body from wingtip to wingtip is nothing more than thought itself in a form you can see, break the chains of your thought and you break the chains of your body too…’ This spoke to me, and I knew it to be true, even though as I read it I was unwittingly becoming more chained by my thoughts!

Another phrase that struck me was when Jonathan seagull was teaching Fletch gull how to fly, and Fletch gull said… ‘Are you saying I can fly’? And Jonathan replied… ‘I’m saying you are free…’

Those two phrases struck me so much. My whole orientation from the moment I was born had been ‘freedom’… How to be free!

I read this book when I was seventeen years old; Ironically at the same time as I read these words of inspiration I was also chaining myself in; I was locking myself into my own cage – one of pressure and ‘got to’s’ and ‘have to’s’, and ‘not good enough’s and ‘not fast enough’ and ‘could do better’s’…

At the same time as society, family, external pressure was reflecting itself in the energy blocks I had come into clear – at but same time I was reading the route to freedom.

My soul was reminding me of what I knew… But here I was locking myself in – so it was a real juxtaposition.

But we cannot be free of what we haven’t yet worked through – and so for forty years I journeyed on a running path that was both my salvation of my nemesis; because running was my expression, it is my expression – it is my soul in motion on planet earth – it is the thing I came here to do. But it was also the place where my self-hatred showed up…

I was born to run – but of course and it being the thing I came to do, also meant that there were lifetimes of energetic creativity or creation that I had made myself – that was still there to be unraveled and cleared, so that I could set myself free.

I saw too that all that was necessary was to clear the way to be silent in the step of my running path; because in setting myself free – the light of my free self could guide others to be free too, because they can see their own way in my reflection, to find their own freedom

And so, in August 2016, I recognised that this was a deep, deep process, and that the pain was necessary to free me, and that if I stayed with it, and felt the despair, and felt the grief, and felt the loss…The loss of my own freedom, the loss of my own joy – and at the same time really let go of anything that was within me that was still running for anybody else but myself, let go of any part that was running for any ‘thing’ to do with anything, other than my own expression…

And so the days went by, the weeks went by, and although the pain eased somewhat – it still hurt to run.

And then in early September I travelled to Lanzarote with my husband Anadi… One day we were walking on Famara beach together… It was a beautiful sunny afternoon, and I was enjoying the walk, although my body was still in pain. It was still impossible really, for me to run. I had tried, but it hurt too much… Then I saw the surfers on the beach, they were warming up in readiness to go into the surf on their boards. They – of course – all had bare feet, and they were running up and down, doing some exercises, and then running again, as part of their warm up.

As I watched them this flash of an idea came into me… “I wonder, I wonder if I could run in my bare feet without any pain…

I started to imitate the surfers, my feet were already bare… I jogged gently along the sand and found immediately that there was a freedom in my step… Anadi and I ran along the beach together – I suppose we ran for half a mile, and my body didn’t hurt, my back didn’t hurt me, and the nerve pain that had kept flashing through my thighs when I tried to run, that too had gone – my knees didn’t hurt either – the restriction and tightness had lifted.

And so unknowingly, that day I began again on a barefoot journey… But the bare feet were emerging from the ‘letting go’ – paradoxically – of running for any reason other than to run; to become the run, to lose the self in the run – the bare feet were emerging in the Zen of running

I had spent forty years ‘knowing this’, and gradually peeling back the layers – to uncover what I already knew – that I needed to simply ‘let go of the attachment to an outcome’ – this wasn’t about not having a goal, it wasn’t about not creating something – steering the ship – it was about truly letting go.

And this time, I really and truly did let go…

I had ‘let go’ so many times before – and scoured off another layer or two – because I ‘understood’ years and years ago, that my running was a spiritual journey…

I knew it was a journey to experience staying in the step. I knew it to be a journey of Zen…

To learn through my running how to live a life of being in the here and now.

Whenever in the past, I really was in the ‘here and now’ – whenever I let go of a desire to win or run fast for anyone else other than me, and to stretch for the stars just for the fun of it – when I just loved doing my best, reaching high, because I loved to find out… Then my running released and my spirit soared…

Because of course trying to win and trying to run fast in themselves ARE fun if there’s no attachment to an outcome – and I don’t mind – when I don’t mind if I don’t run fast, then there’s no harm – because within the trying and the striving and the stretching for excellence; and for seeing ‘if it’s possible’ – then within that there can be opportunities for great growth…

But of course whenever we try to win to ‘prove something’ or if we want to ‘win to get power over anyone’, or to achieve a fast time because of a misguided belief that it might make us immortal in some way… Then of course this can be very stressful and lead us away from ourselves rather than towards our truest self…

So for forty years I had known this and sometimes, I truly experienced that I was free and I let go – and then unbelievable freedom of movement and speed and flying on land occurred.

I was as free as a bird again….

But then out of this freedom I started to run fast and to record fast times and to gain success… Ironically this all came about out of freedom – but then I would forget, and the dark energy pushed again out of fear, out of need, out of insecurity – of a sense that I needed now to ‘hold onto ‘ this form – and once again I would drop into the abyss of an attachment to an outcome…

On reflection when I lost sight of my truth and instead desired a sort of immortality through my running – inevitably each time I lost sight of my own light; I would become injured or ill and be reminded again of my true path….

And, it seemed I would have to start all over again…

But in September 2016, I shed my shoes and I also shed the pressure of a lifetime (of lifetimes!) I shed at last the need to try to run to earn love, or to run to please – my father or my coach, or any manner of other people around me… Instead I just started to let my feet dictate. I let my feet lead the way….

And what an incredible journey.

It was tough initially for the body to run without the support of trainers. I left my shoes with in Lanzarote, because every time I went to the beach – it was a good experience and I could run. At the end of the three weeks that we were there, I was able to run five miles on our beach, but when I put my shoes on my body hurt again. On the last day, I went for a run on the track in my shoes and my body hurt again. And then it happened that a woman and her child turned up too, and they ran around and around in their bare feet. So, there and then, I took my shoes off and I ran round the track in my bare feet and I felt no pain.

It was now October and I was transitioning, and still my body didn’t hurt if I wore very light vivobarefoot shoes… I ran only ten times that month because when I had run seven miles, eight miles in these shoes, my legs ached from the new effort so much and they were tired. So, I did a lot of strength and conditioning in the gym, and I let go off any goals I let go of any mileage aims…

I let go off everything!

I was going back to basics… I was ‘letting go’ which I had known for years was all that was required…

I went right back to the very beginning, to a time when I didn’t have any goals; I didn’t add up my miles… I just went for runs, and worked on aligning my body, strengthening my body, running as it wanted to run

And so the days the weeks went on and my running was now again a joy because it was all about finding out… I had gone back to the very beginning …

And then another step!

On January 22nd, I gave all my barefoot shoes to my friend Jane and was left with only beach socks … It was another huge liberation for me and my feet wanted to dance, they wanted to run… I remember padding round Eastbourne, because I was in the UK for ten days – it was freezing cold -4! And there I was running around in socks – it felt like freedom – it was freedom for me.

I came back to Spain in the middle of February and shed even my socks. Now I was running barefoot on the road…

So through September October November December January – for five months my feet were adapting, they were getting stronger and I could run barefoot on road, on beach and on the track – and I was loving it… I loved having no goals I loved being free, I loved the whole feeling of barefoot running…

My running seemed to have purity again, it seemed to have an expression and a path it was leading me on…

I was slowly fully remembering again that it was what I have come to the earth to do, because in following my running I’m following my soul and by following my running it’s giving me the opportunity to properly clear, to properly be free to properly be courageous and brave – and properly live what I came to live out…

To let go, to let go off everything – and of course ultimately to let go of running… To let go running – and then I found I was still doing it….

In the same way that consciousness is being able to be in this body, but to have let go of it… And then to just be in the world but not of it… Being able to live in the silence space beyond the samsara, beyond the yin and the yang, beyond the duality and therefore be able to play on planet earth…

To have fun!

And so with my bare feet I started to play, I was starting to truly live as I’d always known was possible…

When I was a little girl, I knew that we could live on planet earth and enjoy the experience and really know that it was just an experience; and that this body is just the vehicle – and life is a way to experience energy and to therefore clear energy…

And to know that this is just a flash in the eternity of our existence, here we are a spark of the infinite consciousness we are all born of…

We are all born of consciousness and we are experiencing our own unique energy playing out in a body on planet earth.

And as 2017 unfolded – I was able to experience this in deeper and deeper ways than ever before…

Through my bare feet.

But of course my bare feet were only an expression off a deeper letting go…

 

 

 

 

 

 

The plane my office…

My office on the plane; the plane my office…

As we sat waiting for take off, the pilot announced further delays caused by missing our slot, possibly an hour still on board, he said, until we could leave…

I never mind delays, I see them as an opportunity, it feels like somehow they give me extra time… Even when the truth is they can be taking it away the other end…

But there is nothing to be done…

One of my longest delays was a night and a day in Girona… For the same reason as this one… French air traffic control striking …

It was 9pm at night and we were just about to board when nine flights flashed up on the board as cancelled…

Chaos broke out… I stood for awhile watching and wondering which way to turn…

Needless to say, I discovered what was needed for my next move – and after three hours in a throng, otherwise described as a queue, I was booked onto a flight for the next evening… I had rearranged my appointments for the following day whilst in the mass, so I hailed a taxi and made my way into Girona to find somewhere to sleep…

The day was a delight, a warm sunny time, of unexpected silence and solitude in the sun; tranquility and ease… Drinking coffee of course and enjoying the space, the pause…

Those spaces always act as a reminder of how to live life always in the space of tranquility, of peace… Whatever is happening, to be free from the rush and push and whirl… Even in the midst of the longest ‘things to do list’, to be engaged with the space, the pause, the gap in the breath where infinity and our infinite nature can be glimpsed, recognised, dived into, expanded…

This morning I rose early, before the dawn had streaked its warm orange glow over the land. I made my way to the circular blue road and ran around and around until I had covered four miles and woken myself up in the process…

It was a companionable start to the day; a few other runners and walkers were circling like me in the dusky morning warmth… I loved every step and was reminded again how worth it, it is – getting out of bed early, when the spirit is willing but the flesh feels a little weak…!

To experience our spirit’s truth, its freedom its light, we need to open our body so that the spirit can shine through; when we move our body, it is possible to shift emotional stress and tension caught in the muscles…

If we use movement in sport, or dance or yoga, chi gung, to expand and celebrate our body, and remain conscious of an orientation of moving to release tension, it becomes easier to remember how good it feels when… ‘I don’t want to go to move, to run, to swim to stretch’, occurs….

We store our tension in our muscles, and movement isn’t necessarily a place of release… In fact how we move can deepen tension if we are unaware; and if we approach exercise in the vein of rush and push and whirl we can find it a place of misery and disappointment…

But when we listen to our muscles, to our breath, to our feet – we will be guided as to what feels good…

We will be guided so that we can let go and be free…

A running path that never ends…

At the end of Anadi’s birthday celebration meal we were brought a huge heap of delicious ness, with lashings of cream and a candle burning brightly on top – this was due to my heralding birthday ness!

At the beginning of the meal we planned to go the whole way, and in celebratory style enjoy a three course birthday bash… But we were fading at the end and had turned away from our original plan for dessert…

But it came anyway!

In the spirit of receiving the gift, we enjoyed two of the five brownies piled high, but we brought the other three home…

I am very grateful of them today… As a sort of lunch come afternoon snack they are going down very well, and I have even left one for Anadi!

Today the sun shone hot and bright and we could feel its effect… In the last four, I have averaged 58 per week… I have been loving the training and the feeling of invincibility it is bringing, but I have decided to back off the miles for the next  three or four weeks.

I have learnt over many years – and through the many times I pushed on to breaking – that the way to keep building is to recognise that progress is not a linear thing, and neither is training…

Limitlessness arises from very fine tuning and learning about forever, and that there is much more expansion than we know…

In the past I used to get a strange feeling coming over me during any big endeavour, particularly running… I would be right in the middle of real improvement, the training going well, the miles flowing, the performances getting better… I would then get a feeling that was quite over overwhelming … What next? I can’t keep this up? If this is what it takes I’m not sure I want it/ it’s worth it…

It was a feeling something like bursting…

That the balloon would inevitably land on a spike and all would be lost… Which of course it always did and I would crash off the road, out of the game with injury or illness – always disappointed – and then have start all over again…

But it seemed back then, that I was ironically more ‘happy’ with this pattern than being able to truly follow through, to keep going so that I might uncover and discover what forever is like, to embrace the truth that there is no end… There is no finish line… There are destinations along the way but there is no end…

Either in this life or the next…

When we reach one staging post in life there is always another… When we reach the end of a day, we can be certain that the next will dawn bright and ready to go again…

So we need to be too….

And to be ready to keep going, we need to let go of anything that is trying to get there, or anywhere… Whilst committing to our own unique journey from birth to death and by committing to journeying where our own energy and heart is leading us…

Because this is how we learn to stay in the here and now…

There is no end, because there is nowhere to get to, or to go to.

We live in the illusion that there is, because goals and the way we experience life in this dimension challenges us to let go and trust the step…

My own running path – through its orientation of measuring distance run and how long it takes to get from A to B – has been, and continues to be the most wonderful teacher of staying present and embracing the experience, living life fully, setting goals and destinations to journey to – whilst fully understanding that this life path is challenging me to let go and stay fully in the step I am in….

What a joyous way to learn, on a running path that never ends….

Birthday fun….

Anadi and I clambered across the watery rocky shore line, ankle deep in warm salt water, feeling the seaweed and sand beneath our feet… A birthday run; Anadi well enough to come out to play again…

We had a plan for a birthday skinny dip at the end of the beach, but today it seemed a popular destination for many clothed walkers – and the sea felt a little wild – the waves glorious to behold, but a little over zealous to dive through….

And so the birthday ritual was abandoned and instead we ran towards the coffee and tostado birthday breakfast…

I always remember my friend Andrew who loves to surf quoting a piece of surfing wisdom to me, which honours not only the power of the sea, but accesses our inner wisdom too…

He said that if a wave is too big, then paddle back to the shore… There will always be other waves…

The more we are committed to clearing tension, and anxiety and fear – the more we can be truly in touch with our inner wisdom and know the difference between a wave that really is too big and will threaten to annihilate us – and our inner wobble, our fear needing to be felt and stretched out of…

This is a minute by minute process… of learning to listen deeply within, so that we can tell the difference.

It is a fine line, because the paradox is that in not listening we can miss our truth both ways…

Either by going for something we really can’t and shouldn’t do, and so setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment –  or not going for something we could and can and for our growth should do, even if it stretches us…

Both are opposite sides of the same ‘coin of distraction’, away from following our inner voice…

To deepen the puzzle even further… Our inner voice may lead us to something that we don’t succeed at – but energetically we needed to find out, or attempt a few times to uncover and discover the hidden treasure within the journey…

So have I confused you entirely… ? ?

Because we feel and experience everything through being in the body, it is only through staying fully in each step that we can start to know the difference between the two… The tension and fear that needs clearing, the gung ho – ‘I’ll show you’; and the path of the heart which needs following…

We sat together in the sun enjoying the best ever tostados and cafe con leche, birthday bliss…

Later…

I have just had one of those conundrums in real time…

I had entered the club La santa 5k earlier in the week – and sitting in the sun enjoying a Spanish Birthday Saturday, I was feeling that I didn’t really want to race 5k, I didn’t feel like putting myself on the line… There  is a red ‘cancel’ line on the app and all it would have taken was for me to press that button and my day to be free of any pesky 5k races in the sun in my socks…?

I had already decided I would put my socks on as the road was burny hot and there was lots of uneven pavement and road to navigate…

Anyway, I knew that the slight turning away was for clearing – and that turning up was what my inner voice bid!

At 4.30pm, I wandered over to the stadium with Anadi, and by now was looking forward to the event – all traces of resistance gone – I felt no nerves and was interested to step into the unknown….

The race felt so good…!

I felt flowing and strong and I am so much more comfortable in feet without shoes… It is a very rare thing that I exceed expectations in running; but I did.

I ran 21.52 with relative ease…

My inner voice knew the way….

A busy day…

Spa days and laundrette days seem to go together for me; lots of sloshing and cleaning and whirling about…

I am just back from the ‘lavandaria’, having really enjoyed the experience, slightly reminding me of university days… Sitting and watching clothes whirl about can be very relaxing, a washing machine meditation!

Making every single thing that we do a meditation allows us to fully live; to fully be with ourselves and so to fully be with others… Nothing is a waste of time, sitting in front of a whirling mass of clothes and feeling the stillness in the centre of the whirl is a very good use of time indeed ?

In every activity there is a still place beyond the movement of the energy going round and round, up and down, changing from light to dark, hard to soft, fast to slow…

Beyond this there is silence…

It isn’t necessarily that we need to ‘take a break’ or ‘have a holiday’ or ‘take time off…’ Although those things are all lovely things to do –  but it’s more important that we find the way to be at ease all the time – so that we never feel the need to get off the treadmill… Instead we are the treadmill, making our own pace, we are the road along which we are travelling…

We can always go to the place of silence where we do not fear anything… We may swing between stress and relaxation, worry and ease; but finding the still point means that we will not fall into a place of fear – it means we can recognise our life as an evolution always into something new, beyond the swings of worry and ease, light and dark, joy and sorrow…

After my live broadcast on Facebook, which I absolutely loved – the energy with others there is such fun – I drove to Famara beach where the tide was so low, and the expanse of beach so vast, that just standing and watching the scene was a delight. I ran again the length of the beach and back again before returning to meet Anadi for breakfast and then to the Spa… !

What a busy day ?

I sloshed and pummelled my body in the whirlpool, and dipped it into the cold plunge of icy water – and out again into the steam… Like my clothes I was cleansing and tumbling it about – loving being in a great big washing machine; feeling the experiences through this body, whilst knowing I am not the body…

Our body is the conduit through which our spirit experiences, knows itself, has the opportunity to see in the whirl and tumble of life where it is not still or silent – and so to meditate on the movement and find the stillness right in the core of our being…

Experiencing life on planet earth gives us the opportunity to learn about ourselves and free ourselves… The harvest full moon on Wednesday, heralded the energy of passion and of going for what we truly want, where our heart calls us to go, despite perceived obstacles… If we listen to our heart and follow fearlessly, we will of course be treading the untrodden path…

Life is an untrodden path; but by daring to keep going forward when we know not where the path leads, reveals to us ourselves and the magic of this limitless universe reflected in the energy of each step…

After my spa I had another reflexology treatment.

My feet enjoyed the experience and so too did my whole body, energy moving, releasing clearing as I lay enjoying the silence outside and within me…

And as often occurs, when I have a treatment, I felt that I could happily stay there forever…  I am a pussy cat of the highest order and could happily be stroked and massaged all day long… ? But the laundrette meditation beckoned me and so I went… !

Paradox of life

Famara beach with the tide far out and the sun glistening – a place of pure magic.

I felt my reflection… In the sand, the sea, me merging in the run with the sun and becoming one, more free in each step that I ran.

A woman stripped off her clothes and walked naked into the sea as I ran by on my naked feet… Transparent…

I listened to the waves, the wind and the voices of all who are here to help us as we journey… More reflections of our own energy in the form of those who are here now and those who have gone before.

We are never alone; we are one and the oneness can only be experienced in relationship with the sea the sun the sand, and with one another – the rain, the snow the cold and the ice, and one another. Those here now and our ancestors who have paved the way; us in other lives – all our experiences that have happened, are happening now and will happen.

They are all occurring in this moment; so there is nothing to do but stay in it and trust its unfolding…

The only way we know ourselves, the only way we can know this moment –  and the only way we can experience true love –  is to let everyone go and to let everyone in.

We live in paradox and it is within embracing the opposite sides of a seeming zen koan, that we find the truth of ourselves in every single other person…

We are all a hologram, so within us we have every single energetic possibility… But depending on our own unique flavour, there will be aspects we will never now live out… Although we may have in the past; been the murderer, the liar, the cheat…

Seeing ourselves in others is an opportunity to see where we are clear and where we are not… To know ourselves completely in the experience and reflection of this life… And to know that our ‘self’ does not exist…

It is never about us, and it is always about us…

This is the paradox in which we exist…

To be free is to learn how to stay open to all the the dialogue, because only then can we choose whether we want to talk to someone or not…  This choice can only be made from clarity; if we are reacting then it is not a choice but shard of our unresolved pain arising – and so there is more to be played out…

If we are not reacting then we can walk away from anything that is not resonant.. Leaving a dialogue, a relationship, can all be done in love.

Love is when there is no shutting out, no judgement, no closing of our heart…

‘You take the red pill…’

Now that I can speak enough Spanish to have conversations, albeit basic ones… I have discovered there are many people here who like to go barefoot…

The lady in the supermarket states that she would like to come to work with her feet bare… The man in the restaurant tells me that when he is at home he never wears shoes… The guy in the sports shop showed me his ‘war wounded’ feet because his feet are always naked… But he is often cutting them on the volcanic rocks of this island, and then because he is a surfer and so in and out of the sea, his cuts take a long time to heal… I suggested some socks for the rocks…

‘No no no, I want my feet to be completely free…’ He said, very emphatically… I understand, covered feet feel very different, especially once they have been freed again…

Once we have freed aspects of ourselves we cannot go back… Once we have taken ‘the red pill’ there is no return…

As Morpheus says in the Matrix ‘You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes…’ In other words once we know shed any illusion, we cannot take up the blindfold again; once we see the truth of our nature we cannot stay in the place of denial or perceived chimera of safety…

Once we are free, we cannot be bound again; or else it was not true freedom, but part of the illusion…!

Once we have truly shed our shoes, we cannot put them on again… My free feet are a reflection of an inner change… Why else was I not able to run barefoot before, when I tried?

The untethering had not occurred within me, and the tension within was reflected in injury to my ankles, forward movement not possible… I was reflecting today as I walked up the beach at the end of my run how the last time that I tried to run in my bare feet – a few years ago now – my ankle got hurt that I said to Anadi… ‘I would rather be able to run that try to go barefoot at the moment…’ That was the truth for me at that time… I had to consciously honour exactly where I was…

We cannot be anywhere we are not, and if there is more to be lived out before we can work it out… So be it.

Trying to be somewhere we have yet to journey to, or somebody we are yet to become – is a trap and takes us miles away from freedom…. We are paradoxically far more free is we honestly accept where we are and who we are, even if we are in difficult or challenging circumstances…

I can remember many years ago, when I was a young woman in my mid thirties in a very difficult place in my life… I vividly recall one day, I was driving in the lanes of east Sussex acknowledging that I was the most unhappy I had ever been in my life, but that within all of it, I could almost viscerally feel that my spirit was growing… I had an innate knowing that I was living out exactly what I needed for my soul’s journey, and that I would work something out through the episode…

I did work something out and the experience leant itself to a new chapter in my life, and to an understanding that informed much of my teaching in the ensuing years… The wounded healer… As Carl Jung suggested, and I discovered to be true in many areas of my life… ‘Sometimes a disease was the best training for a physician.’…

‘The analyst must go on learning endlessly… it is his own hurt that gives the measure of his power to heal. This, and nothing else, is the meaning of the Greek myth of the wounded physician….’ carl jung

My orientation has always been one of ‘healer healer thyself’, as it is my experience that we must always have an ongoing connection to investigating of our own unconscious…

My own clearing  has always been the hub of all healing that might occur in the lives of others.

Any orientation other than this could mean that there is a attachment to ego and to ‘being a healer’ which is a form of inflation that ironically can block the healing possibilities for all…

Reflexology and Una Lección Español….

My feet are tingling; they have been run upon and spa ed and reflexologied… They have had a lot of activity and attention and now they are tingling…

My lovely feet; I love them so much.

I know I have said this before but it is like they are two little separate entities who reside with me… Two ‘beings’ who I look after (sort of!) as they surge forward having found their freedom, enjoying expressing themselves and being visible for the world to see…

Of course I know they are not separate, I know they are part of me… Reflecting on this brings into sharp relief the illusion we have of being separate…

It is useful – and fun – this illusion, because it is giving us our human experience on planet earth. It gives us the opportunity to fully know ourselves – to see ourselves reflected in others, and in all the events and situations in our life…  But – many people do actually believe themselves to be separate…

Imagine the chaos if I truly believed I were separate to my feet…

This is why we have some chaos on our planet… Because rather than seeing the illusion for what it is, and recognising and understanding that we can become whole here in human form – that we can clear away all that hides us from ourselves… Instead we start to blame others for our lack, our pain, our sadness and difficulty,  and this drives a bigger wedge into the very core of ourselves…

My feet are my own metaphor ? And they are also leading me on a journey who knows where… ?

Today I ran 8 miles bringing this week’s total to 58 miles… Only 2 miles off the 60 miles I had set… During the week I had felt a slight ‘push stress’ coming into my energy field, and I know from years and years of experience that this heralds a time to back off… Building the emotional and physical energy is vital when preparing for any event, or project and this comes through being able to carry on….

So on Wednesday night I let go of ‘going for 60’ and even though now, it could look like ‘why didn’t you just run that extra 2 miles’, I know now how important not doing the two miles was, in building the energy for next week and my training ongoing…

In the past, deep inside I always knew what was needed, but the energy of struggle and self destruct were yet to be cleared… And so they played out again and again. I learned then that knowing and mentally understanding a pattern were not enough… I needed to clear away the energy that meant I would go marching towards the misery of the inevitable exhaustion and disappointment… And in clearing it, the difference is so very subtle; but so very life changing…

It was through letting go of any mileage objectives a year ago that has brought me now to be training as much and as well as I am… It took nine whole months, until my feet and my body ‘took off’ by themselves in July and 40 miles emerged in a week, without any plan….

And so today instead of any more running, I went to the spa and sploshed into hot and cold; sat in the steam, felt my body rejuvenate and then lay on a couch having wonderful foot massage reflexology…

Y una lección Español para la hora también ?

Everything is unfolding…

I was wandering along just now, when a Spanish man asked me… ‘Why no shoes…’? I realised I didn’t really have much of an answer… ‘Because I like it, because my feet like it…’ Perhaps they are a lot of an answer on reflection…

Doing what we like, and our body likes… Ahh but what we like might be doing nothing much at all, or wild outrageous things, or acts of ‘wrong doing’ – and our body, our feet they might want all manner of deemed unhealthy actions and practises…!

I remember reading years and years ago that we must become a master of our body and our mind, or else they could run off in wild ways, and lead us away from the truth of us at the core of our being… I understood this and have lived a life committed to practising and learning how to really master myself… As the years have passed, I eventually found what I ‘knew’,  that my soul communicates through my mind and body… There is no separation; what my feet want and like, my soul needs for its journey here…

But I imagine, I was always going to respond in that way, on reading those words… They resonated with my energy and so I understood and addressed the suggestions they gave me…

Because the more I live this life, the more I truly understand the phrase I have often used… ‘We do not know the path another treads…’ Within my own journey, I was at times certainly pulled hither and thither by my mind and body and set off enthusiastically down routes that did not seem to be of the souls calling…

And yet of course they were… I see the soul now as our energetic makeup over lifetimes… And so challenge, sadness, ill health, pain and heart break can all be part of the soul’s way to experience and work things out… We are all born of consciousness, of love and in this human journey we are learning, experiencing, and gradually remembering our true nature.

We will all eventually return to the source from whence we came; the consciousness from which we are born… Our true self is free… But we cannot pretend to be free until we are.

Everything is unfolding… ‘The best course therefore is to remain silent…’

I tried to run barefoot twice before, but I got injured both times and I can see on reflection that ‘getting hurt’ then was always going to happen… It was part of the journey to me running freely barefoot now… In the same way I was always going to push too hard in my younger days and the heights I dreamed of were going to allude me, as the deeper lessons I learned were what my soul needed to clear the way for true clearing…

I always ‘knew’ when I was going to run well, in advance of the race… The part that sent me circling around in a disappointing cycle was the part of me that ‘wanted’ something out of my reach… wanted running to make me immortal and to know I was loved…

But I now see that I was always going to experience that, I couldn’t learn to let go and love myself without having the human experience of a repeated cycle…We are here to work out our energetic traps and truly acknowledge all we feel, all the places we are held and keep working it out as we live….

And so again we remember the words of Ramana
‘Whatever is destined not to happen will not happen, try as you may. Whatever is destined to happen will happen, do what you may to prevent it. This is certain. The best course, therefore, is to remain silent…’

I have had a lovely day today… I started it by running 10k all around the outskirts of Club la santa where I am staying… I was running in the opposite way to a few people… One of the runners and I connected  and we smiled as we passed each other…

I then decided I would go to barefoot fitness and Kemi as I discovered her name was – the runner from this morning’s run – was there too…

It was a lovely experience to meet her, connect with her and to discover that she is a minimalist shoe and vibram 5 finger barefoot being too… We did the class next to each other and then I asked if she’d like to be in my vlog…

It was a joy to speak with her and to share and to celebrate our similarities, whilst honouring and acknowledging what works for us on our own journey…

Abide in the heart…

Yesterday afternoon I lay on the roof in the sun.
I lay there for an hour or so feeling the sun on my body and the feel of the cool hard tiles supporting me…

In the morning I had set off for a run, but the run didn’t happen…

Instead I walked on the firm wet sand to the shore, and then stood with the water lapping over my feet, watching the surfers further out catch a wave while it was big, travelling swiftly to the shore… By the time it reached me it was just a small movement of swirling sparkling joy.

Then I had a thought that I might run in the sand dunes, but instead, on reaching them I lay down on the sand in one of the little alcoves made of stones…

They are everywhere on the edge of Famara beach, places to lie in the sun and escape the lively wind, which whips about playfully making its presence known on this island…

A stream of sportspeople come here, to cycle and run with the winds dance, knowing that this game is all part of the experience here…

but yesterday I lay out of the wind on the sand in the sun, and enjoyed my lying down running meditation.

I thought my body might feel more like a run in the afternoon, but instead I found myself making myself to the sunny roof top and lying down again…

A lying down day…

I love the part in the film ‘Gregory’s girl’ where the couple are lying down together under a tree and they do ‘lying down dancing’…

Since watching that film many years ago, I have often engaged with lying down dancing and car dancing and sitting down dancing…

It can be fun to conduct life lying and sitting down.

I have tended through the years to be more of a sitting down ‘philosophical being’, than a ‘doing being’. I love café philosphique… I love watching plays and musicals at the theatre, and I love just being in places watching the theatre of life…

This might sound a contradiction to a lifetime of running.

But my running has always been a place of investigation for me, a place of finding out how to be still in the step, to watch the theatre of life on the move… To explore the true creativity which emerges from us, whatever that might be, without any attachment to an outcome.

This doesn’t mean not practising and practising, committing to whatever is needed to allow the music within us it’s soaring heights… But it is offering it, rather than producing it with the hope of adulation, fame, adoration….

Our job is to nurture and grow our creative energy, and witness what unfolds. If the mind gets in the way deciding an outcome ahead, then tension can arise…

This doesn’t mean not having a goal or a destination in mind, but it is being willing to hold the dream lightly, and be open to a different route entirely emerging….

This way we will be at peace with whatever happens… If our creative expression becomes know by the whole globe or by just a few, our practise will be at peace.
It is simply surrendering our gifts to the divine as spoken by Ramana – I like these words very much :

“Place your burden
at the feet of the Lord of the Universe
who accomplishes everything.
Remain all the time steadfast in the heart,
in the Transcendental Absolute.
God knows the past, present and future.
He will determine the future for you
and accomplish the work.
What is to be done will be done
at the proper time. Don’t worry.
Abide in the heart and surrender your acts
to the divine.”

Ramana Maharshi